Category: Critical Bill

Exposing Critical Bill To A New Concept

The Common
November 15th, 2016

Fun Time Douglas, Critical Bill, and Magnum PI set out on a cool November night for dinner and ended up at the hip downtown joint: The Common. Chicken and waffles was on the menu and Bill revealed that he’s never had the classic, and suddenly trendy, combination of fried chicken and waffles. So, here we go…

This post is going be done in Critical Bill’s own style: brief, no bullshit, and full of expletives.

Critical Bill: Waffle ok. Best when hot, the quality disintegrated with time. Whatever the fuck that berry shit was it was good. Chicken ok. Juicy. Butter was top flight. Combo of all the components was pretty tasty. Maybe not sold on the concept and my cocktail went all wrong! Company kept was superb. Wouldn’t have my waffles any other way than with good fucking company.

Fun Time Douglas: it was too dark to take a picture of the waffles. Just imagine a round waffle cut into it’s quadrants, stacked on their side, served with two pieces of fried chicken, a pad of butter placed on top, and that “berry shit*” on the side (*a blackberry compote, I think, and it was in fact quite good).

Fun Time Douglas agrees that the combination of flavours was pretty tasty with the juicy chicken raising the profile of this waffle.

Our guest, Magnum PI, commented: it was just a pleasure to behold the ISCoW founding members at work.

3.6/5 – Fun Time Douglas
3.3.3/5 Critical Bill also shown as 3.299999

I’ll Get The Special, Please

Place: Albert’s Family Diner
October 5th, 2016

This entry is brought to you by the brevity of Critical Bill:

Kudos to the $5 egg special. Very crisp bacon. Competent and professional waitressing complete with jokes.

The waffle needed more crisp. I’m a big fan of the whipped butter. Waffle inner consistency was fluffy, though a touch under-done. 

Unanimous 3.5/5 from brief Bill and Silent Sly. 

Final remarks: It just didn’t kick no ass.

Yours in waffles.

Not So Trivial

Place: Smitty’s Gateway Blvd/Calgary Trail
I don’t remember but it was Shark Week 2015

Fun Time Douglas and Critical Bill set out on a more spontaneous waffle adventure and ended up at Smitty’s with what you could only call awkward décor with seemingly superfluous wooden beams and metal siding to create an effect? Dougie and Bill, with out intent, sat each facing appropriate televisions. Bill faced the Baseball game and Dougie faced Shark Week on the Discovery channel. Two waffles with two sides of bacon were ordered (what did you expect?) and the service was top-notch. Basically, the waffle itself was fine. As Dougie and Bill agreed, there was nothing wrong with it but also nothing great about it. It was the ultimate mediocre waffle. If you’re looking for your extra regular average waffle, check out Smitty’s. The council made a note; Bill was served a generous portion of bacon and Dougie was not.  She even remarked that she may have been jipped. Bacon jipped. Bill shared his bacon because despite his critical nature he is a pretty friendly fella. 

The highlight of Smitty’s was the bottle of Heinz Ketchup (this is not a product placement). The Ketchup bottle had a QR-Code that a smartphone could scan and it lead the user to a mobile game of Trivial Pursuit. Fun Time Douglas and Critical Bill love trivia. They agreed that they would play until they solved all six categories in a row. It did not take long between Bill’s knowledge of sports and Dougie’s knowledge of cartoons and their combined interest in history and geography. 

Ratings:
Fun Time Douglas: 2-2.5/5
Critical Bill: 3/5

Business & Waffles

Lunch conferences are overcrowded, dinner meetings are a drag, but breakfast business, or business breakfast, is a delight.

Place: Artisan Resto-Café on Whyte Avenue
Fall 2015 

This meeting of the International Supreme Council of Waffles (ISCoW) was a multipurpose meeting so the notes are brief because Critical Bill and Dougie were met by the Admiral to speak on other business.

The Council also notes that the Admiral is an unexpectedly harsh judge of waffles though a very generous judge of character. Translating his review into a colloquialism you could say the waffles were not ‘the business’.

“Here’s the skinny,” Dougie reports, “A+, crisp and fluffy. An excellent delivery system.”

The Admiral: 3/5
Critical Bill: 4/5
Dougie: 4.5/5

Bringing Down the House of Pancakes

 

Place: IHOP, The International House of Pancakes, on Gateway Blvd/Calgary Trail
Summer 2015

The Council recognizes the guest Waffler: Pete the Patient Pirate. Bill and Veronica were joined by Pete to attend the International House of Pancakes after Google reconnaissance revealed that there was indeed a Belgian waffle on this pancake house menu.

Three coffees, three waffles, and the traditional side of bacon were ordered and the council began their noble task. On every table the International House of Pancakes provides a stainless steel carafe of coffee and four types of syrup; included are an old fashioned syrup, blueberry syrup, raspberry syrup, and a butter pecan syrup. Veronica utilized the four quadrants of the round waffle to sample each type of syrup with butter. Both Veronica and Bill noted that IHOP was stingy on the butter portions though Pete countered stating that it was a satisfactory helping of butter. Veronica was particularly critical of these waffles, more critical than Bill even. She reported that the blueberry and raspberry syrups were no good and too sickly sweet and the old-fashioned and butter pecan were O.K. She noted that the biggest failure of this waffle was that is was unevenly cooked. Critical Bill noted that the bacon was excellent value but the carafe supplied coffee was wildly over priced considering its stale drip coffee taste.

Ratings:

Critical Bill and Pete the Patient Pirate: 3.5/5
Veronica: 2/5

And now a message from Mitch Hedberg about pancakes:

The Admission of Reliability

Simplicity sticks.

Place: Albert’s on 99th Street (again)
When: Summer 2015

The International Supreme Council of Waffles (ISCoW) believes in the quest for the best waffle but as we are only human we acknowledge, for the love of waffles, that sometimes when the craving strikes it is best to satisfy the craving with a reliable source.

Sly and Bill returned to Albert’s on 99th in hope of recreating the simple golden crisp yet fluffy waffle they enjoyed before (with generous serving of bacon). However, Bill and Sly were left somewhat disappointed. The Council recognizes these collective comments, “the inside was soft, too moist.” An important lesson was gleaned; consistency is an essential attribute in the quest for the best waffle.

And Critical Bill made the closing remarks,

“why is the middle of my waffle so soft when the rest of my life is so hard.”

Rating:
Bill & Sly agreed: 3/5

An Endorsement & A Review from Guru Lou

A review to follow featuring DJ Guru Lou’s first appearance, but first, current affairs:

Dougie ended up at a show in a location that can best be described as a room resembling a basement from the 1970s. It was there that she ran into guest Waffler DJ Guru Lou.

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“The Waffle Log Blog has inspired me to up my waffle game at home. I’ve just been using batter from a box.” said Guru Lou late on Saturday night. “It’s all about the butter and syrup.” Guru Lou added.

“The waffle is the vehicle.” Dougie nodded, sagely.

“Exactly,” Guru Lou said confidently and astutely added, “And, like, a Sunfire is a vehicle and a Ferrari is a vehicle. One is obviously better.”

DJ Guru Lou was one of the International Supreme Coucil of Waffle’s earliest adopter of the ISCoW’s standards and acute appreciation of the waffle’s delivery service. We are humbled that the Waffle Log Blog is inspiring higher standards and appreciation of the vehicle food.

The council thanks DJ Guru Lou (also read as: Bong Sample) for his musical contribution (read: granting Dougie permission to hijack the tracks) to the Waffle Log Blog Video (read: the video too long to actually watch) on the home page.

Place: Barb and Ernie’s, Edmonton AB
Wafflers: Fun Time Douglas, Critical Bill, Pete the Patient Pirate, and DJ Guru Lou
When: Summer of 2015

A long loved and lasting establishment in Edmonton, Barb and Ernie’s Old Country Inn was the destination and waffles the prize. The hospitality was supreme and service delightful, however, with only one in-house waffle iron the council put some strain on the kitchen. Without too much delay the council was feasting on beautifully topped waffles and accompanying sides.

Pete the Patient Pirate: Satisfied. The toppings of strawberries and whipped cream were delectable and the waffle had prime syrup soaking abilities. It was soft and squishy, and not too heavy.

DJ Guru Lou: It’s too big but nice and round. Easy 4/5 sans honeydew on the plate. Honeydew is bullshit.

Critical Bill: Soft in the middle. Could’ve been crispier.

Fun Time Douglas: Too soft, needed that extra crisp on the outside for a better syrup barrier. A bit unevenly cooked. Overall excellent balance of sweet and savoury flavour. Note: the atmosphere of this establishment is like the comfort of a Grandparent’s home, cozy as heck.

Unanimous four cheers for the bacon, A+ all around in that department.

Closing remarks from Guru Lou, “There are two Bus Drivers here. If it’s good enough for the Bus Drivers, it’s good enough for me.”

Ratings:

Pete the Patient Pirate: 4.7/5
DJ Guru Lou: 3.5/5
Critical Bill: 4.2/5
Fun Time Douglas: 3/5

Coming soon: the origin story of Pete the Patient Pirate!

A Diner Delight

The Founding Council Reconvenes and Commits

Place: Albert’s on 99th Street, Edmonton AB
Wafflers: founding members Critical Bill and Sly
When: Mid-March 2015

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Sly and Bill met during Sly’s staycation for a much deserved mid-week-waffle-Wednesday meeting of the International Supreme Council of Waffles. The experience opened with classic diner décor, the ironic impersonal but friendly wait staff, and shitty drip coffee that no diner should be without. Based on the agreed merits of the waffle*, this meeting of the council was simple, quiet, and pleasant. Critical Bill reports, “no complaints, light and crispy waffle” and Sly’s remarks were, “whipped butter is always a bonus.” (note: the waffle was served plain, to the council’s approval, with butter and syrup, not as picture above). It was at this meeting that the side of bacon was added to the Waffle order. Though, no proclamation was decreed it was silently understood that the side of bacon would accompany future waffles, permitted by availability. The council would like to note that given the simplicity of the Albert’s waffle it was a bit pricey but the bacon helping was plentiful.

This waffle experience might be reminiscent of the simpler time that Bill longs for.

Ratings:
Critical Bill: 4.5/5
Sly: 4/5

For The Love Of Waffles

Place: Cha Island Tea Co. Edmonton AB
Wafflers: Dougie & Critical Bill

The unintentional inaugural Valentines Day meeting of the International Supreme Council of Waffles: “For The Love of Waffles” took place on February 14th 2015.

Before we begin, I must remind readers that the International Supreme Council of Waffles is in search of the best waffle. In order to achieve our goal we had to set high standards. So, if our critique on the waffle in question seems harsh it is because we are committed to our task. Also, the rules of the ISCoW are that each individual member makes their own criteria and/or waffle rubric. It allows for a diverse Council with a larger breadth of perspectives in the hopes of serving all waffle desires. So let’s get on with it, man…  

A nice cozy atmosphere was appreciated on this snowy and cold Saturday but perhaps reggae and waffles were not meant to be. Dougie suspects that it was an off night for the waffles as she had previously experienced delightful waffles from this establishment. One plain waffle was ordered, served with butter and syrup as a waffle was meant to be, and one special: topped with powered sugar, fresh strawberries, and chocolate (note: Dougie quite dislikes chocolate but finds it tolerable in small quantities. In this case it was a rich dark chocolate and complimented the strawberries).

The official report is: the waffle itself was too soft and battery, this waffle is in need of a more golden colour, a crispier outside, and fluffier inside. The beverages on the other hand were delicious. An old school chocolate milk for Bill and real brewed iced tea for Dougie. Critical Bill has a deep-seated philosophy regarding the purveying of the waffle: “They are best served in places with the words ‘cafe’ or ‘diner’ in the title by an older lady named Bev or Flo in a uniform and she calls you ‘hon’, if she is smoking all the better. A place with ‘Cha’ in the name and being served by a hipster dufus named Chad who calls you Dude probably is not going to resonate.” But, then again, Bill longs for a simpler time.

It should be noted that the company was quite enjoyable and thus the inaugural meeting of the International Supreme Council of Waffles marked the beginning of the mission to find the best waffle. Closing remarks, Critical Bill says the waffle was, “Dressed up but no party”. Rating: Dougie and Bill: 2/5 Waffles.

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Archival photo from Dougie’s one of a kind analog Waffle Log Blog circa 2015

 

Introduction

Introduction To the International Supreme Council of Waffles (Geneva)

From its humble beginnings on Feb 14th, 2015 The ISCoW (Geneva) flourishes in bringing both the love of the noble waffle and critical discourse to reviewing and searching globally the best of waffle world. Situated in beautiful Geneva overlooking stunning Lac Leman under the majesty of the Alps and Jura Mountains the Council was established to fulfill the highest standards.

The first was to be not nearly as corrupt as FIFA or the International Olympic Committee but an institute built on semi-incorruptible standards and fair play.

The love of waffles drives the institute, the search for great waffles and bringing our results to you the waffle loving public, our mission. At the Institute we are cognizant that perfection is unattainable, but extraordinary is. Our Chief Executive Officer will delve into the many components of what makes the truly memorable waffle experience.

I wish you the best in your reading and in your personal waffle growth.

Yours in waffles,

Critical Bill

p.s. We have no truck with fucking Crepes or pancakes. If you want a fucking pancake go to IHOP, if you want a fucking Crepe go to France.